A Step In The Right Direction.

You may think that day one is the hardest when going through a break up, then you live through day two. And three. Don't forget four, five, six and even seven.

The first week you are an absolute roller coaster of emotion. Day one is tough, but you can somewhat run on motivation. You have a second chance to do things you didn't think were possible, because you were holding yourself back. Day two, reality sets in. You are on your own, without that someone to call and say, "I'm a wreck and I need you." Someone asks how you are and what are you supposed to say? Broken. Hurt. Angry. Tired. Lost. Frustrated. Depressed. Pissed. Confused. Embarrassed. Instead of answering with any of those, you just fake a smile and say "Good". It takes everything in you to not break down and cry. You are holding back from screaming at the top of your lungs. All you want to do is crawl back into your bed and watch love stories that end so much better than yours, but you force yourself to keep moving.

You can't overreact. You can't lose composure. You can't drive to his house begging for this to change. You can't call repeatedly hoping that he is going to pick up and magically love you again. You have one choice, breathe. Breathe and absorb that it is over. Breathe and blast that music as loud as it can go to forget the current thoughts rushing through your mind. Breathe and write it out. Breathe and tear up everything he has given you and all the pictures you have together. Breathe and talk it out with your dog. Breathe and drive to a friends house, even if that means traveling to another state. You have to learn to not overreact and breathe on your own again. You have to learn that silence on your end is going to be a saving grace and you are going hold your head up high in the end. You are going to see at the end of the day how much more pride you have when you compose yourself, use the silence to your benefit and just breathe for you.

I was the one that ended this. He made me feel like he was the one that did this and he was the one in control, but I was the one that took the reigns of my own life. I told him it was all or nothing, that I was not willing to compromise who I was anymore, not knowing where his mind was and where our relationship was going. In the back of my mind, I knew the answer he would give, but I am a dreamer, a wishful thinker, an optimist, a person who can see only the good in someone else. I have always been wishful when it comes to him, even when he was far from the person that deserved it. I have gotten into many battles with my family and friends for him, taken one to many bullets in his defense, knowing that I really would never get that in return. I have always been hopeful he would prove everyone wrong someday, hopeful that he would magically act the person I know that he can be, hopeful that he would change for me. We all are hopeful for that one person, he was mine and he is the one that started to make me lose hope in everything.

A week has past and it has been a step in the right direction. I have held off contact from him until I could find exactly the right words I wanted to say. It wasn't until 3AM with a late Saturday night under my belt with friends that I found that little voice of confidence to finally send a text that I had been editing for a week. I had spent so many sleepless hours this week going over the words and trying not to be too angry for the excuses or too hurt for the loss of love, I just found myself letting go of everything I have held in for four years. I am sure it pushed many buttons and took it to another level for him because I never really been silent with him for that long and I never really found myself confidence around him, but this time I am not backing down. I am the one person that would battle for you though it all, but this is not my battle anymore. I am not fighting for you anymore. I wanted to save you, but when it comes down to it, I can only save myself.



This Week's Song on Repeat:

Katy Perry's "By the Grace of God".

Katy Perry's entire album is an incredible break up collection that I played all week long, but this song is the best for the moment. It is motivation to get through another week.


"By the grace of God, there was no other way
I picked myself back up, I knew I had to stay
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way"

Day One.

 

So today is day one. The day after the break up. The day after the fall out, where your eyes are still red, your hands are still shaking and you feel like you want to crawl into a hole and never come out. The day where you question the way that life has challenged you with taking away the one person that you saw yourself spending forever with. The day where you are forced to step back and work with these emotions, trying to piece together what exactly went wrong. The day where you are forced to examine yourself and see the person you have become and look forward to the person that you are about to be. The day when you realize you officially have to do this on your own.

Starting over fresh and seeing the world through different eyes can truly be challenging, but it can also be a gift. While you thought that life was perfect with that person and that you were truly in love, would you be here if it was? Would you be sitting in a dark room at 6am crying after a night of no sleep, wondering why you are alone? Would you be eating copious amounts of ice cream and watching Channing Tatum, Ryan Gosling or Orlando Bloom profess their love in chick flicks over and over again? Would you be over analyzing the last text he sent you saying, "I am sorry, it is not you it is me.." and trying to figure out what went wrong?

If it was the perfect relationship, you would still be together. You would not be hurting as much as you are right now and questioning everything around you. You are human and allowed to hurt. Believe me, after five years of on and off, friends and dating, falling in love and not having him break your fall at the bottom is the absolute worst. I honestly saw myself marrying him. Yes, our relationship was challenging and no one ever seemed to understand how we conducted ourselves, but to me, he was the guy I was supposed to be with. I saw all the good in him that no one could ever see and knew how much he was capable of. I watched him change before my eyes and fell for this person that could make me feel like no one else has ever made me feel before. He made me want to do more and become this person that was so much stronger than I ever thought I could be, but he also weakened me. He made me lose focus on the grounds that I stood for and compromise my beliefs. He made me feel that I was not good enough for a "full-time" relationship and that I deserved only what he could give me. He made me feel as though it was completely normal to see the guy I was dating once a month and talk to him maybe one a week, if I was lucky. He make feel as though the time he was giving me was so precious and that I should be grateful for the same doses he was giving me. My friends and family knew better and saw through every excuse, but to me, I fell for all of his goodness and I fell alone.

So today is day one. Picking apart the wreckage and piecing together what is left behind. Just remember that you are not broken. As my one of my best friends told me last night, "You are not broken from this, just chipped.." It was the most encouraging thing to say, because broken means that you can not repair it, but chipped can be fixed and today is the day to start doing it. Today is the day that I have to take a stand for myself and see what I can make of what I have become, on my own. Today is the day that I have to start living for me again and seeing the world as my own. Today is the day that I have to start taking chances, start believing that something good is going to come of this, start living again. Today is the first day for me.