A Step In The Right Direction.

You may think that day one is the hardest when going through a break up, then you live through day two. And three. Don't forget four, five, six and even seven.

The first week you are an absolute roller coaster of emotion. Day one is tough, but you can somewhat run on motivation. You have a second chance to do things you didn't think were possible, because you were holding yourself back. Day two, reality sets in. You are on your own, without that someone to call and say, "I'm a wreck and I need you." Someone asks how you are and what are you supposed to say? Broken. Hurt. Angry. Tired. Lost. Frustrated. Depressed. Pissed. Confused. Embarrassed. Instead of answering with any of those, you just fake a smile and say "Good". It takes everything in you to not break down and cry. You are holding back from screaming at the top of your lungs. All you want to do is crawl back into your bed and watch love stories that end so much better than yours, but you force yourself to keep moving.

You can't overreact. You can't lose composure. You can't drive to his house begging for this to change. You can't call repeatedly hoping that he is going to pick up and magically love you again. You have one choice, breathe. Breathe and absorb that it is over. Breathe and blast that music as loud as it can go to forget the current thoughts rushing through your mind. Breathe and write it out. Breathe and tear up everything he has given you and all the pictures you have together. Breathe and talk it out with your dog. Breathe and drive to a friends house, even if that means traveling to another state. You have to learn to not overreact and breathe on your own again. You have to learn that silence on your end is going to be a saving grace and you are going hold your head up high in the end. You are going to see at the end of the day how much more pride you have when you compose yourself, use the silence to your benefit and just breathe for you.

I was the one that ended this. He made me feel like he was the one that did this and he was the one in control, but I was the one that took the reigns of my own life. I told him it was all or nothing, that I was not willing to compromise who I was anymore, not knowing where his mind was and where our relationship was going. In the back of my mind, I knew the answer he would give, but I am a dreamer, a wishful thinker, an optimist, a person who can see only the good in someone else. I have always been wishful when it comes to him, even when he was far from the person that deserved it. I have gotten into many battles with my family and friends for him, taken one to many bullets in his defense, knowing that I really would never get that in return. I have always been hopeful he would prove everyone wrong someday, hopeful that he would magically act the person I know that he can be, hopeful that he would change for me. We all are hopeful for that one person, he was mine and he is the one that started to make me lose hope in everything.

A week has past and it has been a step in the right direction. I have held off contact from him until I could find exactly the right words I wanted to say. It wasn't until 3AM with a late Saturday night under my belt with friends that I found that little voice of confidence to finally send a text that I had been editing for a week. I had spent so many sleepless hours this week going over the words and trying not to be too angry for the excuses or too hurt for the loss of love, I just found myself letting go of everything I have held in for four years. I am sure it pushed many buttons and took it to another level for him because I never really been silent with him for that long and I never really found myself confidence around him, but this time I am not backing down. I am the one person that would battle for you though it all, but this is not my battle anymore. I am not fighting for you anymore. I wanted to save you, but when it comes down to it, I can only save myself.



This Week's Song on Repeat:

Katy Perry's "By the Grace of God".

Katy Perry's entire album is an incredible break up collection that I played all week long, but this song is the best for the moment. It is motivation to get through another week.


"By the grace of God, there was no other way
I picked myself back up, I knew I had to stay
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way"