Day One.

 

So today is day one. The day after the break up. The day after the fall out, where your eyes are still red, your hands are still shaking and you feel like you want to crawl into a hole and never come out. The day where you question the way that life has challenged you with taking away the one person that you saw yourself spending forever with. The day where you are forced to step back and work with these emotions, trying to piece together what exactly went wrong. The day where you are forced to examine yourself and see the person you have become and look forward to the person that you are about to be. The day when you realize you officially have to do this on your own.

Starting over fresh and seeing the world through different eyes can truly be challenging, but it can also be a gift. While you thought that life was perfect with that person and that you were truly in love, would you be here if it was? Would you be sitting in a dark room at 6am crying after a night of no sleep, wondering why you are alone? Would you be eating copious amounts of ice cream and watching Channing Tatum, Ryan Gosling or Orlando Bloom profess their love in chick flicks over and over again? Would you be over analyzing the last text he sent you saying, "I am sorry, it is not you it is me.." and trying to figure out what went wrong?

If it was the perfect relationship, you would still be together. You would not be hurting as much as you are right now and questioning everything around you. You are human and allowed to hurt. Believe me, after five years of on and off, friends and dating, falling in love and not having him break your fall at the bottom is the absolute worst. I honestly saw myself marrying him. Yes, our relationship was challenging and no one ever seemed to understand how we conducted ourselves, but to me, he was the guy I was supposed to be with. I saw all the good in him that no one could ever see and knew how much he was capable of. I watched him change before my eyes and fell for this person that could make me feel like no one else has ever made me feel before. He made me want to do more and become this person that was so much stronger than I ever thought I could be, but he also weakened me. He made me lose focus on the grounds that I stood for and compromise my beliefs. He made me feel that I was not good enough for a "full-time" relationship and that I deserved only what he could give me. He made me feel as though it was completely normal to see the guy I was dating once a month and talk to him maybe one a week, if I was lucky. He make feel as though the time he was giving me was so precious and that I should be grateful for the same doses he was giving me. My friends and family knew better and saw through every excuse, but to me, I fell for all of his goodness and I fell alone.

So today is day one. Picking apart the wreckage and piecing together what is left behind. Just remember that you are not broken. As my one of my best friends told me last night, "You are not broken from this, just chipped.." It was the most encouraging thing to say, because broken means that you can not repair it, but chipped can be fixed and today is the day to start doing it. Today is the day that I have to take a stand for myself and see what I can make of what I have become, on my own. Today is the day that I have to start living for me again and seeing the world as my own. Today is the day that I have to start taking chances, start believing that something good is going to come of this, start living again. Today is the first day for me.