Settling Is Not An Option.

Everyone settles. There is not one single person in this world that hasn't settled on something in their life. Whether it be your job, house, significant other, even the people that you have considered your friends over the years, settling happens. We settle thinking that we will find no better, we settle out of desperation, we settle because we do not believe in ourselves enough to reach for what we deserve. Sometimes we don't even realize that we are settling until we look back at our lives and see the flaws in our ways. The need for something so strong that we will settle, even if that means changing the way we feel, in an attempt to avoid regret.

Settling is too easy; It's the waiting that is the difficult part. Settling means that you are compromising something that you want/believe in for something that is less than you deserve. Settling means that you are okay with getting less than you deserve. Settling means that you do not feel good enough about yourself to work for the thing that you most desire. Settling means that you have given up. Why would you want to settle for something that is less than you because you are afraid of taking a chance and waiting to see what comes next?

While waiting leaves us with the feeling of uncertainty, it is the possibility that comes with it that can provide us with so much more. It is a tiring process and leaves us sometimes with more confusion than anything, it still provides us with more insight to ourselves verses settling. Working for something in your life gives you such a greater sense of accomplishment than giving into something that could only give you a small sense of happiness. You have the choice to wait for the things that you are truly striving for or you can settle. You have the choice to hold out for the things that you believe in or you can settle. When it comes down to it, don't settle for something that isn't going to make you happy. If you are settling right now, what do you imagine your future to be like? Think higher of yourself and know that you are worth more than the bare minimum. Strive for your dreams and never settle for anything less than that.

When I look back at my past, I settled in every way you possibly could. I settled with "friends", knowing that their habits and their ways were no good for me, but they wanted to hang out with me. I settled on substances to make me forget, so I didn't have to feel pain because I didn't want to feel as much as I did anymore. I settled on jobs that did not make me happy and added no value to my life, because I didn't think I had what it took for the job I really wanted. I settled on my looks and health, thinking I can't do any with the genes that I have been dealt. Even in every relationship I have had, I have settled. Whether it has on the boy in general or the actions that they have used with me, I settled on whatever they could give me, thinking that either I was never going to find better or that I actually wanted the things that they told me I wanted. I was actually okay with only seeing him once a month or that it was completely normal to talk only once a week. None of the things I had done in my past were alright because I had settled.

Settling is not an option anymore. It came clear to me this weekend when I had realized that my ex was not there for me when my best friend had passed away, a time when you need someone the most. Surprisingly he had sent me flowers before he had passed, which was a kind gesture that I had never expected from him, but it was after a friend had suggested it to him. While flowers and cards mean something in that time of need, it is about physically being there for that person. I had friends who were states away checking on me, busy friends who called, people who I hadn't seen in years who had sent messages, even complete strangers who were sympathetic to the situation, more so than someone who had been in my life for so long and had disappeared yet again. It was in that moment I stopped feeling sorry for myself and the situation I had put myself in with him and grew stronger. No longer was I going to let his actions affect me the ways that they have in the past. No longer was I going to settle on what little he was giving me and thinking that it was a great deal coming from him. Toby deserved more than that and so do I. Settling is not an option anymore.



 Song on Repeat for the Week: "Roar" - Katy Perry. If you have not heard it, you have been living under a rock. Look up the lyrics, rock out to it until you are absolutely sick of it (Which hasn't happened to me yet.) So motivational in more ways than one and is a great song to keep you pushing through. 

Another's mind isn't walking your journey.. You are.

There is something about someone telling you what to do when it comes to your life. That irritation like no other, that lack of feeling control, that loss of where your heart really is. While you can follow directions in a job, it is that moment that someone evaluates your life that you lose all composure. Advices can be offered, but it is the cases when someone tells you you are doing it wrong. You have made the wrong choices. You have made a mistake. You need to change. That is the moment when you start to realize you have to stop listening to everyone else and start following a different path.

You have been told all of your life to follow your heart, but it is when you do that you become criticized for it. Whatever the choice may be (minus the major ones that may cause death to you or someone else), it is your life. Yours and yours alone. It may be a mistake and you may ultimately not be happy with your decision, sometimes it is just something that you have to do. You know what is right for you. Your family and friends have been there for you from the beginning and will stick by your side through it all, but at the end of the day you know what is the right choice for you.

While I may be talking about general life and relationships, it applies to every choice that you are forced to make. You can read at all the facts in a book, look at all the statistics and even listen to all of the opinions from experts. At the end of the day, it is your choice that you have to live with. You do not want to look back on a situation and think that you made decisions based off of your loved ones opinions. You have to go with your gut and use your head. After all is said and done, you will be happy that you tried and followed your own heart.

It was this week when I was told I was doing it wrong; That I have been making the wrong decisions with the wrong people. I have had the past irritating me like a mosquito bite that you can't scratch and won't go away. I am not one to let go of the past so easy or one to write someone off like losing loose change. I am ultimately too forgiving and too naive to the fact of change within a person. I know that over the past few months I have changed; For me not to believe that someone else could also change would be unfair. So the moment that I let my ex slowly walk back into my life, I knew I was stronger than I was before. I knew that I could handle the situation that was given to me because I was not the weak, broken girl I was five years ago. Of course when my friends found out about the situation they immediately told me I was in the wrong for talking to him, but it was my decision. Something I had to do not just for the fact to hear that he had screwed up and he was sorry or that he had missed everything we had once had. I knew nothing could ever come of us again, but for me it was some sense of closure. I was finally coming to senses that I was not the one at fault like I had blamed myself for all of these years. My ex was finally getting the help that I begged him to get so long ago and for me that was enough. I made the right decision in doing so, because right now, I am not looking back and questioning it like I was before. For me, I finally have what I needed. Closure.

If it wasn't for me trusting my instincts, I would still be this lost soul wondering what could have been. I normally take my friends opinions into account when making a decision, but it was the ambush over voices this week about my most resent ex that had my head spinning. My life. My choice. I know what is right for me and attempting to be "friends" with him was a choice that I had made long before we dated. While there are so many parts to him I absolutely hate, there is a part of me that will always feel a love for him that no one will understand and for that, I can not give up on him. I have always been a fighter for my family and friends, thick skin that will do anything for them. I love to hear options when I need one and ask for it, but when it comes to him anymore I don't and won't. I know where everyone stands and to hear people trying to control my every move when it comes to my relationships is just too much. I know what is best for me and I know that I am the person that has to go through an experience to learn. So if that means living with this aching heart, at least I know I am feeling something rather than nothing at all.

From now I will trust my own intuition and follow my own heart.



Song on Repeat for the Week: "Lost in the Echo" - Linkin Park. Whenever I find myself in a moment of pain or frustration, I always find myself listening to Linkin Park. They are a great band to listen to when you need to work through some anger and "Lost in the Echo" is one song I can't get enough of.

Saying Good Bye To My Best Friend.

It was growing darker when the rain had begun to pour out of the sky. The air was cold as old snow had laid on the ground from the day before. I heard birds chirping over head and the rustle of the trees. I made no eye contact with my parents as they stood with their arms around me. As the tears began to form in my eyes, we laid to rest the ashes of my best friend.

It has almost been a week since my best friend, Toby, joined that big dog park in the sky. For those of you who didn't read the last post (Sorry I took a two week break from writing), he was diagnosed with kidney failure two and a half weeks ago and was given only days to live. While we knew something had changed in his health, we didn't know what was wrong with him and that we would have such a short time left together. We were not given any medical options for him other than to give him fluids and to pray for more time. My family and I held those days as precious time with him, avoiding any moment away from him and sneaking as many kisses/hugs as possible. As if Toby wasn't already first priority in this household, he without a doubt was the King now getting the full treatment. Anything he wanted, he had. As the days progressed, it has seemed that Toby was doing well with the fluid treatments and he really started to enjoy life again. I really began to have hope that we could get back to our old ways.

My hardest moment was going out of town and leaving Toby behind. While I had planned a trip to Orlando long before we had knew he was sick, I didn't want to leave him behind. Toby's condition seemed to be doing better, but that didn't give me the guarantee that I needed to know my best friend would be okay. Before I had left I made him promise me (I know that may sound very odd to someone who doesn't have a dog) that he would be here when I got home. I was given a kiss of reassurance and went on my trip, crying almost the entire drive to the airport. For five days I was too busy and too afraid to over think how everything was at home. Every time I called home, I was reassured that Toby was okay and just to have fun. It wasn't until after my trip when I had walked into my house that I knew everything had changed.

My mother was at the door to greet me like normal, but it was anything but normal.. Toby wasn't there. I almost broke out in a sprint to find him in the living room, thanking God he was still here, but I knew that everything went down hill when I was gone. My family didn't want to discourage me from enjoying my trip to let me know that Toby hadn't really eaten since the day that I left, his water consumption had decreased drastically and he was really starting to become disoriented, even by almost walking out in the middle of the road and thinking he was in the yard. All of these things I could not take in and knew I would not be able to handle, states away or by his side. It was as if God had timed everything out perfect for me with giving me this trip to be away for the worst of it, but by his side when he absolutely needed me. With that, I had one full day left with him.

Toby was always a little wimp. All said out of love, he was a "manly man" when the mail man came or there was a stranger in his yard, but he absolutely was afraid of everything else. I knew his wimper when he was scared and I always stayed with him until he felt better. It was as if Toby knew what was happening and was completely terrified of it, because the entire day I had left with him he cried his scared wimper cry. I spent the entire day with him, holding him, walking throughout the house with him wherever he would want to go, making sure he knew not to be afraid just like I always did. The more I watched him, stumbling and weak to get up, the more I knew I only had moments left with him. I held him every second I could. Lucky to have a boss who was understanding because I refused to leave his side for anything. I held him in his last moments and it was in those moments, the first in the past two days, that he finally stopped wimping. It was then that I knew Toby was going to be okay and that he was safe.

This last week without Toby has been a battle. Battle might not be the best word for it, unbearable is more like it. I can't be in my home for more than five minutes without thinking that he should be by my side, trying to steal my food, barking at me to take him outside, something for my attention to be focused on him. It is crazy the things that you do not realize until they are gone. Lord knows I could not watch the Budweiser "Puppy Love" commercial or the Puppy Bowl without balling. I am just thankful for the amazing friends I have during this difficult time and that God has made it clear that He has been there every step of the way. I have Faith that God put Toby in a better place, where he is happy with all of the chicken wings he can eat, football games he wants to watch and dogs that he is able to play with now without any pain.

Time will heal all, it is just as if time is at a stand still and this sweet little boy, just like he always has, is still holding on to my heart so tight. I love you bub and miss you. Until we are together again someday.





Repeat Song Of The Week: "Believe" & "View From Heaven" - Yellowcard. When I was at my lowest the past two weeks, these songs have been somewhat of a crutch to pull me through.