There is something about someone telling you what to do when it comes to your life. That irritation like no other, that lack of feeling control, that loss of where your heart really is. While you can follow directions in a job, it is that moment that someone evaluates your life that you lose all composure. Advices can be offered, but it is the cases when someone tells you you are doing it wrong. You have made the wrong choices. You have made a mistake. You need to change. That is the moment when you start to realize you have to stop listening to everyone else and start following a different path.
You have been told all of your life to follow your heart, but it is when you do that you become criticized for it. Whatever the choice may be (minus the major ones that may cause death to you or someone else), it is your life. Yours and yours alone. It may be a mistake and you may ultimately not be happy with your decision, sometimes it is just something that you have to do. You know what is right for you. Your family and friends have been there for you from the beginning and will stick by your side through it all, but at the end of the day you know what is the right choice for you.
While I may be talking about general life and relationships, it applies to every choice that you are forced to make. You can read at all the facts in a book, look at all the statistics and even listen to all of the opinions from experts. At the end of the day, it is your choice that you have to live with. You do not want to look back on a situation and think that you made decisions based off of your loved ones opinions. You have to go with your gut and use your head. After all is said and done, you will be happy that you tried and followed your own heart.
It was this week when I was told I was doing it wrong; That I have been making the wrong decisions with the wrong people. I have had the past irritating me like a mosquito bite that you can't scratch and won't go away. I am not one to let go of the past so easy or one to write someone off like losing loose change. I am ultimately too forgiving and too naive to the fact of change within a person. I know that over the past few months I have changed; For me not to believe that someone else could also change would be unfair. So the moment that I let my ex slowly walk back into my life, I knew I was stronger than I was before. I knew that I could handle the situation that was given to me because I was not the weak, broken girl I was five years ago. Of course when my friends found out about the situation they immediately told me I was in the wrong for talking to him, but it was my decision. Something I had to do not just for the fact to hear that he had screwed up and he was sorry or that he had missed everything we had once had. I knew nothing could ever come of us again, but for me it was some sense of closure. I was finally coming to senses that I was not the one at fault like I had blamed myself for all of these years. My ex was finally getting the help that I begged him to get so long ago and for me that was enough. I made the right decision in doing so, because right now, I am not looking back and questioning it like I was before. For me, I finally have what I needed. Closure.
If it wasn't for me trusting my instincts, I would still be this lost soul wondering what could have been. I normally take my friends opinions into account when making a decision, but it was the ambush over voices this week about my most resent ex that had my head spinning. My life. My choice. I know what is right for me and attempting to be "friends" with him was a choice that I had made long before we dated. While there are so many parts to him I absolutely hate, there is a part of me that will always feel a love for him that no one will understand and for that, I can not give up on him. I have always been a fighter for my family and friends, thick skin that will do anything for them. I love to hear options when I need one and ask for it, but when it comes to him anymore I don't and won't. I know where everyone stands and to hear people trying to control my every move when it comes to my relationships is just too much. I know what is best for me and I know that I am the person that has to go through an experience to learn. So if that means living with this aching heart, at least I know I am feeling something rather than nothing at all.
From now I will trust my own intuition and follow my own heart.
Song on Repeat for the Week: "Lost in the Echo" - Linkin Park. Whenever I find myself in a moment of pain or frustration, I always find myself listening to Linkin Park. They are a great band to listen to when you need to work through some anger and "Lost in the Echo" is one song I can't get enough of.
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