It has almost been a week since my best friend, Toby, joined that big dog park in the sky. For those of you who didn't read the last post (Sorry I took a two week break from writing), he was diagnosed with kidney failure two and a half weeks ago and was given only days to live. While we knew something had changed in his health, we didn't know what was wrong with him and that we would have such a short time left together. We were not given any medical options for him other than to give him fluids and to pray for more time. My family and I held those days as precious time with him, avoiding any moment away from him and sneaking as many kisses/hugs as possible. As if Toby wasn't already first priority in this household, he without a doubt was the King now getting the full treatment. Anything he wanted, he had. As the days progressed, it has seemed that Toby was doing well with the fluid treatments and he really started to enjoy life again. I really began to have hope that we could get back to our old ways.
My hardest moment was going out of town and leaving Toby behind. While I had planned a trip to Orlando long before we had knew he was sick, I didn't want to leave him behind. Toby's condition seemed to be doing better, but that didn't give me the guarantee that I needed to know my best friend would be okay. Before I had left I made him promise me (I know that may sound very odd to someone who doesn't have a dog) that he would be here when I got home. I was given a kiss of reassurance and went on my trip, crying almost the entire drive to the airport. For five days I was too busy and too afraid to over think how everything was at home. Every time I called home, I was reassured that Toby was okay and just to have fun. It wasn't until after my trip when I had walked into my house that I knew everything had changed.
My mother was at the door to greet me like normal, but it was anything but normal.. Toby wasn't there. I almost broke out in a sprint to find him in the living room, thanking God he was still here, but I knew that everything went down hill when I was gone. My family didn't want to discourage me from enjoying my trip to let me know that Toby hadn't really eaten since the day that I left, his water consumption had decreased drastically and he was really starting to become disoriented, even by almost walking out in the middle of the road and thinking he was in the yard. All of these things I could not take in and knew I would not be able to handle, states away or by his side. It was as if God had timed everything out perfect for me with giving me this trip to be away for the worst of it, but by his side when he absolutely needed me. With that, I had one full day left with him.
Toby was always a little wimp. All said out of love, he was a "manly man" when the mail man came or there was a stranger in his yard, but he absolutely was afraid of everything else. I knew his wimper when he was scared and I always stayed with him until he felt better. It was as if Toby knew what was happening and was completely terrified of it, because the entire day I had left with him he cried his scared wimper cry. I spent the entire day with him, holding him, walking throughout the house with him wherever he would want to go, making sure he knew not to be afraid just like I always did. The more I watched him, stumbling and weak to get up, the more I knew I only had moments left with him. I held him every second I could. Lucky to have a boss who was understanding because I refused to leave his side for anything. I held him in his last moments and it was in those moments, the first in the past two days, that he finally stopped wimping. It was then that I knew Toby was going to be okay and that he was safe.
This last week without Toby has been a battle. Battle might not be the best word for it, unbearable is more like it. I can't be in my home for more than five minutes without thinking that he should be by my side, trying to steal my food, barking at me to take him outside, something for my attention to be focused on him. It is crazy the things that you do not realize until they are gone. Lord knows I could not watch the Budweiser "Puppy Love" commercial or the Puppy Bowl without balling. I am just thankful for the amazing friends I have during this difficult time and that God has made it clear that He has been there every step of the way. I have Faith that God put Toby in a better place, where he is happy with all of the chicken wings he can eat, football games he wants to watch and dogs that he is able to play with now without any pain.
Time will heal all, it is just as if time is at a stand still and this sweet little boy, just like he always has, is still holding on to my heart so tight. I love you bub and miss you. Until we are together again someday.
Repeat Song Of The Week: "Believe" & "View From Heaven" - Yellowcard. When I was at my lowest the past two weeks, these songs have been somewhat of a crutch to pull me through.
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