Sleepless Nights & Restless Thoughts.

It is on those sleepless nights that you feel most creative and alive. It is in these hours, while most are unconscious to your racing thoughts, that you feel that you are finally on your own and free to think most about what you need. Clarity is finally arrived and the bold courage to take the leap from thoughts to words to here in the public eye, where the world can see the haunting memories, crazy ideas, and the restless thoughts of the semi damaged.

It has been a while since I have chosen to write. Mostly time has slipped through my fingers and kept me away, but there have been moments where I have sat down with a pen unsure of what to say or how to phrase in words that all would understand. My mind is racing all the time of things that need to be said.. Majority coming out the wrong way or at the wrong moment, fearing that I will not have another moment to speak from my heart. Others just putting it in ways that no one will begin to understand the thought process of damaged. Feeling weak if you see these words, feeling vulnerable for the world to see, constantly battling with myself as to where my mind and priorities should be verses where my mind actually is. Always on love. Not the love in romance novels, but the love that can be found anywhere, from anyone in that moment of wonder and grace. Always with hope. Looking for something that can keep the world looking optimistic and searching for all the good. Always trying to see the world in a better light. This world is a dark place, but we must always be looking for the things that bring light to it.

So much to say tonight and yet unsure of how to put it all into words that can begin to explain this racing heart tonight. It is in these moments I am semi afraid to see what I will say, the truth that I will admit and the things I have believed for so long that I know are so false. It is in these moments I feel like I will truly expose the person that I am and I will not be happy with it, because of the choices I continue to make, the patterns I continue to follow rather than break and the moments where I know I should have just walked away, instead of relying on my faith. So to begin the restless thoughts of the moment:

From the one who woke me up tonight with a simple, "Hello". Unexpected, unnerving, yet bold. So many goodbyes have been said, yet you come back into my life one too many unexpectedly and unwelcomed. It is unappreciated, yet my heart knows it is okay. I have seen through the errors in both his and my ways and his line of reasoning for the things he does. While it throws me for a curve ball every time it happens, it amuses me that I, the one you say caused you the "most heartbreak you have ever felt in your life", am the one that you always run back to. You, my first love and truly first earth shattering heartbreak, with years of abuse on this heart, always find a way to walk back into my life. It may be only for brief moments, but the thought that I always come across your mind somewhat calms me, considering the heartache that you had caused me for years. It will never be how it was, it should have never gotten as far as it had, but the things that I still continue to learn from you and what we had amazes me everyday and for that I am grateful. The only way you truly know you have surpassed a difficult moment is life is when you can look back on it and say, "I am glad God gave me the choice to be there and guided me through the pain, to make me that much more stronger of a person."

To the one who just sneaked into my life and let me get caught up in the madness. It has been a fun few weeks, experiencing something that I was unsure I would ever feel again. We both may have been on two separate pages, not being able to see things eye to eye, but it is better this way. The person that you are is appealing and amusing, but not where I need to be right now. There is always going to be something that for you and all your weird ways, but there is something more I need right now and I feel strongly that you need sometime to see the world in a different light. While you are a great asset to where I am right now and the time we spend together is all the more fun because of your presence, you are not the person I need. You are the person I was two years ago.. Ready for reckless fun, adventure and hungover days spent looking for coffee and struggling to get through. I have grown into a person that is ready to move on with adult life and say goodbye to some, not all, childish ways and you are just beginning. You sir truly as a great person that I need in my life, just not in the same way.

And then it comes to you.. It always comes back to you.. The one that can simply disappear and reappear in my life every so often to throw off the winds of my course and change the path I am trying to make. It is difficult to see the errors in my ways with the hazy judgement that you give me, making me feel reckless with what we have and the decisions that I make. Love is an understatement to the feelings I have for you, yet it seems as though it is disregarded or unnoticed. I may be wrong when it comes to saying those things, but from an outsider perspective, I look like a fool. Everyone has their own relationships and own love, yet every single time I speak of us I get "the look". The look that tells you, "You poor girl, you are getting played", "You dumb girl you are a fool", "You idiot, he is using you up and building himself up..". You tell me to "run" every time we speak, you tell me that you will "hurt" me, you tell me that you are "no good" for me.. Yet I have spent the last six years (Six, as harsh and unreal as that may sound) waiting for you.. Rephrase, chasing you. Rephrase again, running after you like there is no tomorrow. For six years, I have been hurt by the things you have said and the disappearing acts that you done. For six years I have known you were absolutely no good for me and this toxic energy that I needed to remove from my life, yet I have chased you. Waiting for that moment when you would see that this is not a game to me, but that you were this person that I needed to be with, needed to help, needed to love me back. Six years I have watched you choose girl after girl over me, yet always coming back to me. Always finding yourself with someone else, yet still looking for my attention and comfort. I not only watched to look over my feelings for you, I have been with you as you were in the process of moving on to the next one, with no warning, explanation or choice. So many times I have blamed myself, for the things I had said, for the way that I look, even changing things about the person I was, just trying to fit your mold of what I felt you thought was the "perfect girl". Frustration, grief and the mere fact of stupidity has taken over me so many times, yet my heart, optimism and faith in you always rooting for you when no one else was, telling me to give you one more try. And all at once, it falls short and I am left to pick up the pieces and wait for you to reappear, needing attention and comfort from someone you know will give it. Yet I am alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with the idea that something more could still happen if I try a little harder to achieve the things that you want. Try a little harder at making you know that I am here for you when you need someone to talk to. Try a little harder at keeping my faith in you. Yet, I sit here alone. Remembering all of your drunken words and how most, if not all were lies. Remembering the times that you walked away when I needed a helping hand. Remembering all the times that you have left me alone with all these racing thoughts.



As I watch the sun rise and my eye lids begin to grow heavy, I know that this is somewhat of a release that was needed. Something to take the world off my shoulders and know that I am better than I was, stronger than I thought and more brave than I will ever know. It is these thoughts in my mind that cloud my judgement and make days difficult to focus on something other than the mystery of the male species. It is not just as if love is the only thing on a girl's mind, but having someone love her back, well that is just a greater joy in life that seek, but not all get to reap in. These are not just words or random thoughts that fill my mind, but a constant struggle for finding clarity and also trying to find who I truly am. For the first time in a long time, I feel okay.

Good night all. Good morning all.



------


This is the last straw she said
And I won't wait for you forever
While you run around like JFK
You watched that poor girl
Waste the best years of her life
And I'll be damned if I am going out
I will not go out that way!

--Jack's Mannequin - The Last Straw 

Settling Is Not An Option.

Everyone settles. There is not one single person in this world that hasn't settled on something in their life. Whether it be your job, house, significant other, even the people that you have considered your friends over the years, settling happens. We settle thinking that we will find no better, we settle out of desperation, we settle because we do not believe in ourselves enough to reach for what we deserve. Sometimes we don't even realize that we are settling until we look back at our lives and see the flaws in our ways. The need for something so strong that we will settle, even if that means changing the way we feel, in an attempt to avoid regret.

Settling is too easy; It's the waiting that is the difficult part. Settling means that you are compromising something that you want/believe in for something that is less than you deserve. Settling means that you are okay with getting less than you deserve. Settling means that you do not feel good enough about yourself to work for the thing that you most desire. Settling means that you have given up. Why would you want to settle for something that is less than you because you are afraid of taking a chance and waiting to see what comes next?

While waiting leaves us with the feeling of uncertainty, it is the possibility that comes with it that can provide us with so much more. It is a tiring process and leaves us sometimes with more confusion than anything, it still provides us with more insight to ourselves verses settling. Working for something in your life gives you such a greater sense of accomplishment than giving into something that could only give you a small sense of happiness. You have the choice to wait for the things that you are truly striving for or you can settle. You have the choice to hold out for the things that you believe in or you can settle. When it comes down to it, don't settle for something that isn't going to make you happy. If you are settling right now, what do you imagine your future to be like? Think higher of yourself and know that you are worth more than the bare minimum. Strive for your dreams and never settle for anything less than that.

When I look back at my past, I settled in every way you possibly could. I settled with "friends", knowing that their habits and their ways were no good for me, but they wanted to hang out with me. I settled on substances to make me forget, so I didn't have to feel pain because I didn't want to feel as much as I did anymore. I settled on jobs that did not make me happy and added no value to my life, because I didn't think I had what it took for the job I really wanted. I settled on my looks and health, thinking I can't do any with the genes that I have been dealt. Even in every relationship I have had, I have settled. Whether it has on the boy in general or the actions that they have used with me, I settled on whatever they could give me, thinking that either I was never going to find better or that I actually wanted the things that they told me I wanted. I was actually okay with only seeing him once a month or that it was completely normal to talk only once a week. None of the things I had done in my past were alright because I had settled.

Settling is not an option anymore. It came clear to me this weekend when I had realized that my ex was not there for me when my best friend had passed away, a time when you need someone the most. Surprisingly he had sent me flowers before he had passed, which was a kind gesture that I had never expected from him, but it was after a friend had suggested it to him. While flowers and cards mean something in that time of need, it is about physically being there for that person. I had friends who were states away checking on me, busy friends who called, people who I hadn't seen in years who had sent messages, even complete strangers who were sympathetic to the situation, more so than someone who had been in my life for so long and had disappeared yet again. It was in that moment I stopped feeling sorry for myself and the situation I had put myself in with him and grew stronger. No longer was I going to let his actions affect me the ways that they have in the past. No longer was I going to settle on what little he was giving me and thinking that it was a great deal coming from him. Toby deserved more than that and so do I. Settling is not an option anymore.



 Song on Repeat for the Week: "Roar" - Katy Perry. If you have not heard it, you have been living under a rock. Look up the lyrics, rock out to it until you are absolutely sick of it (Which hasn't happened to me yet.) So motivational in more ways than one and is a great song to keep you pushing through. 

Another's mind isn't walking your journey.. You are.

There is something about someone telling you what to do when it comes to your life. That irritation like no other, that lack of feeling control, that loss of where your heart really is. While you can follow directions in a job, it is that moment that someone evaluates your life that you lose all composure. Advices can be offered, but it is the cases when someone tells you you are doing it wrong. You have made the wrong choices. You have made a mistake. You need to change. That is the moment when you start to realize you have to stop listening to everyone else and start following a different path.

You have been told all of your life to follow your heart, but it is when you do that you become criticized for it. Whatever the choice may be (minus the major ones that may cause death to you or someone else), it is your life. Yours and yours alone. It may be a mistake and you may ultimately not be happy with your decision, sometimes it is just something that you have to do. You know what is right for you. Your family and friends have been there for you from the beginning and will stick by your side through it all, but at the end of the day you know what is the right choice for you.

While I may be talking about general life and relationships, it applies to every choice that you are forced to make. You can read at all the facts in a book, look at all the statistics and even listen to all of the opinions from experts. At the end of the day, it is your choice that you have to live with. You do not want to look back on a situation and think that you made decisions based off of your loved ones opinions. You have to go with your gut and use your head. After all is said and done, you will be happy that you tried and followed your own heart.

It was this week when I was told I was doing it wrong; That I have been making the wrong decisions with the wrong people. I have had the past irritating me like a mosquito bite that you can't scratch and won't go away. I am not one to let go of the past so easy or one to write someone off like losing loose change. I am ultimately too forgiving and too naive to the fact of change within a person. I know that over the past few months I have changed; For me not to believe that someone else could also change would be unfair. So the moment that I let my ex slowly walk back into my life, I knew I was stronger than I was before. I knew that I could handle the situation that was given to me because I was not the weak, broken girl I was five years ago. Of course when my friends found out about the situation they immediately told me I was in the wrong for talking to him, but it was my decision. Something I had to do not just for the fact to hear that he had screwed up and he was sorry or that he had missed everything we had once had. I knew nothing could ever come of us again, but for me it was some sense of closure. I was finally coming to senses that I was not the one at fault like I had blamed myself for all of these years. My ex was finally getting the help that I begged him to get so long ago and for me that was enough. I made the right decision in doing so, because right now, I am not looking back and questioning it like I was before. For me, I finally have what I needed. Closure.

If it wasn't for me trusting my instincts, I would still be this lost soul wondering what could have been. I normally take my friends opinions into account when making a decision, but it was the ambush over voices this week about my most resent ex that had my head spinning. My life. My choice. I know what is right for me and attempting to be "friends" with him was a choice that I had made long before we dated. While there are so many parts to him I absolutely hate, there is a part of me that will always feel a love for him that no one will understand and for that, I can not give up on him. I have always been a fighter for my family and friends, thick skin that will do anything for them. I love to hear options when I need one and ask for it, but when it comes to him anymore I don't and won't. I know where everyone stands and to hear people trying to control my every move when it comes to my relationships is just too much. I know what is best for me and I know that I am the person that has to go through an experience to learn. So if that means living with this aching heart, at least I know I am feeling something rather than nothing at all.

From now I will trust my own intuition and follow my own heart.



Song on Repeat for the Week: "Lost in the Echo" - Linkin Park. Whenever I find myself in a moment of pain or frustration, I always find myself listening to Linkin Park. They are a great band to listen to when you need to work through some anger and "Lost in the Echo" is one song I can't get enough of.

Saying Good Bye To My Best Friend.

It was growing darker when the rain had begun to pour out of the sky. The air was cold as old snow had laid on the ground from the day before. I heard birds chirping over head and the rustle of the trees. I made no eye contact with my parents as they stood with their arms around me. As the tears began to form in my eyes, we laid to rest the ashes of my best friend.

It has almost been a week since my best friend, Toby, joined that big dog park in the sky. For those of you who didn't read the last post (Sorry I took a two week break from writing), he was diagnosed with kidney failure two and a half weeks ago and was given only days to live. While we knew something had changed in his health, we didn't know what was wrong with him and that we would have such a short time left together. We were not given any medical options for him other than to give him fluids and to pray for more time. My family and I held those days as precious time with him, avoiding any moment away from him and sneaking as many kisses/hugs as possible. As if Toby wasn't already first priority in this household, he without a doubt was the King now getting the full treatment. Anything he wanted, he had. As the days progressed, it has seemed that Toby was doing well with the fluid treatments and he really started to enjoy life again. I really began to have hope that we could get back to our old ways.

My hardest moment was going out of town and leaving Toby behind. While I had planned a trip to Orlando long before we had knew he was sick, I didn't want to leave him behind. Toby's condition seemed to be doing better, but that didn't give me the guarantee that I needed to know my best friend would be okay. Before I had left I made him promise me (I know that may sound very odd to someone who doesn't have a dog) that he would be here when I got home. I was given a kiss of reassurance and went on my trip, crying almost the entire drive to the airport. For five days I was too busy and too afraid to over think how everything was at home. Every time I called home, I was reassured that Toby was okay and just to have fun. It wasn't until after my trip when I had walked into my house that I knew everything had changed.

My mother was at the door to greet me like normal, but it was anything but normal.. Toby wasn't there. I almost broke out in a sprint to find him in the living room, thanking God he was still here, but I knew that everything went down hill when I was gone. My family didn't want to discourage me from enjoying my trip to let me know that Toby hadn't really eaten since the day that I left, his water consumption had decreased drastically and he was really starting to become disoriented, even by almost walking out in the middle of the road and thinking he was in the yard. All of these things I could not take in and knew I would not be able to handle, states away or by his side. It was as if God had timed everything out perfect for me with giving me this trip to be away for the worst of it, but by his side when he absolutely needed me. With that, I had one full day left with him.

Toby was always a little wimp. All said out of love, he was a "manly man" when the mail man came or there was a stranger in his yard, but he absolutely was afraid of everything else. I knew his wimper when he was scared and I always stayed with him until he felt better. It was as if Toby knew what was happening and was completely terrified of it, because the entire day I had left with him he cried his scared wimper cry. I spent the entire day with him, holding him, walking throughout the house with him wherever he would want to go, making sure he knew not to be afraid just like I always did. The more I watched him, stumbling and weak to get up, the more I knew I only had moments left with him. I held him every second I could. Lucky to have a boss who was understanding because I refused to leave his side for anything. I held him in his last moments and it was in those moments, the first in the past two days, that he finally stopped wimping. It was then that I knew Toby was going to be okay and that he was safe.

This last week without Toby has been a battle. Battle might not be the best word for it, unbearable is more like it. I can't be in my home for more than five minutes without thinking that he should be by my side, trying to steal my food, barking at me to take him outside, something for my attention to be focused on him. It is crazy the things that you do not realize until they are gone. Lord knows I could not watch the Budweiser "Puppy Love" commercial or the Puppy Bowl without balling. I am just thankful for the amazing friends I have during this difficult time and that God has made it clear that He has been there every step of the way. I have Faith that God put Toby in a better place, where he is happy with all of the chicken wings he can eat, football games he wants to watch and dogs that he is able to play with now without any pain.

Time will heal all, it is just as if time is at a stand still and this sweet little boy, just like he always has, is still holding on to my heart so tight. I love you bub and miss you. Until we are together again someday.





Repeat Song Of The Week: "Believe" & "View From Heaven" - Yellowcard. When I was at my lowest the past two weeks, these songs have been somewhat of a crutch to pull me through.

Whoever Said Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend.. Never Owned A Dog.

Featuring Toby J

A few days ago I was told that my best friend's health was in bad shape and that I wouldn't have as much time with him as I thought I would have. While some of you may not consider a pet to be a best friend or someone to spend a great deal of time getting emotional over, I am not one of those people. For those of you that are not animal lovers, you might as well stop reading now because this post you will not begin to understand, for this is for the animal lovers out there who can relate to what I am going through. My dog is a not only a big part of my life, he is family. Unlike the normal topics that you may normally read in this blog, this week has been extremely difficult and I feel the need to express my love for my best friend, my Australian Shepherd, Toby.

Toby's favorite spot in the house; Sitting at the top of the steps

Nine years ago, after I had lost my childhood best friend, Shadow - another Australian Shepherd that made a major impact on my life, I said never again. I can not feel that love for any other dog like I did for Shadow or wanted to experience the pain that I felt when I held him in my arms and watched him go into that big dog park in the sky. Shadow had suffered from a condition that was common in his breed and the vet had given him only six months to live. After watching him suffer with medication that made him tired all the time, lose his appetite and become the ghost of the dog we once knew, my family and I made the decision that if he had such a short time to live, we are going to let him live his life to the fullest and took him off the medication. We had Shadow since he was six weeks old, barely big enough to fit in a purse, so I could not handle watching him suffer anymore. Proving everyone wrong and being a fighter like he always was, Shadow lived another three fulfilling years of chasing rocks, chasing after any bunny that would make it in the backyard and enjoying all the table scraps he could steal. Although it was a short time before my high school graduation when Shadow passed, he was 11 years old and I could not be more grateful for the time, the good and the bad, that I was lucky to spend with my first best friend.

Shadow's last vacation to Myrtle Beach

 The moment we walked in the shelter and saw his liter, full of twelve crazy puppies, I teared up; I didn't think I would be able to know who was good enough to try to fill Shadow's shoes as guard dog of the house. It was about a month of a quiet house, no four-legged friend running to the door to greet you and actually being able to eat a full meal without someone stealing it, before the family decided that maybe we should adopt a puppy from a shelter. It made it better to think that we would be helping out a dog in need and we would not be replacing Shadow, he would just have a friend up there in dog Heaven someday (At least that was my thought process). My Dad had began the search and found a shelter in Ohio that we chose to keep an eye on. We had went to the shelter once, but did not see anyone who was worthy of Shadow. The day that Dad had seen the liter online, he knew that Toby, or Eddie as they called him, was the one. When we went to visit, Toby was the crazy one of the liter, running inside and outside like there was no tomorrow, but when we had our private visit with him, he was so nervous. Toby would barely come near us and when he did warm up to us, he was very hesitant. From his behavior, we had known that there was a good chance that he was abused and we knew that it was going to be a challenge, but we were ready to take it on to give him a better life.

 

It was a challenge when Toby came home with us. Not only was Toby hesitant with people, he did not like loud noises, he did not like bags, he did not like when the stove was on, he did not like dog food, he did not like to be alone, he did not like to be in a crate, he was afraid of life in general. It took time for him to realize that not only were we going to be good to him, we were not going to abandon him. As soon as Toby realized we would do anything to make him happy, he would take advantage of it in every way possible (And never say a dog is not smart). I would reward him with a dog bone, my mother would reward him with ice cream (Mom quickly became his favorite when it came to food). I would attempt to run with him and he was lay down in the middle of the road - traffic and all, Dad would take him for a walk and ride whenever he wanted (Dad became his favorite when it came to stuff to do). And me, well I was the one who was there to let him sleep on my bed and couches that he would normally get yelled at for. On top of being there for attention purposes and to just spoil him rotten whenever someone else wasn't doing so (Which was very unlikely because he was spoiled with lots of butt rubs from my friends and creamers - Yes creamers - from my grandparents). 

Toby is a fan of Pittsburgh Sports - The Steelers are his favorite

Toby J (J for Junior of Shadow) in a nut shell is a nut ball, completely opposite of Shadow. Toby's daily life consists of begging for any table scraps that he could find (Eating literally anything except for tomatoes and grapes), trying to sneak out of the house to see if his neighbor friends were out to play with (Or sneaking into their houses to see what food he could find) and soaking up as much attention as he can (He enjoyed working on his tan). Long before the sad animal shelter commercials filled the air waves, Toby had nailed the "tortured dog look" to suck up any extra attention that could be given to him. With many nicknames, Toby J was called Bubba Loo (He enjoyed I Love Lucy reruns with me), Bub, Ham, Ham Sandwich, Tobster, Lover Puppy (Always a lover with the kisses, never a fighter unless he was attacking you with kisses) and Guard Dog (He would sound vicious when he was actually paying attention to bark at someone). Family vacations revolved around him - Toby had been to Myrtle Beach, the Outer Banks, the mountains, New York to see where Lucille Ball had grown up (not like he had really cared) and to Ohio to see family; Only one family vacation was taken without him and that is because Toby did not prefer to gamble in the casinos in Las Vegas. Enjoying rides while sticking his head out the window, sight seeing to new smells and places, meeting new dogs and other animals he didn't quite understand, trying to figure out new places and trying new food, running from waves that terrified him and soaking in the sun wherever he could find it.

Toby hated taking pictures & had A.D.D

While Toby is the most spoiled dog in the world, he is also one of the best dogs that you will ever find. So many good nights, bad days, busy moments and lazy times were spent with him. There is no feeling in the world like coming home to someone is right at the door waiting for you, wagging their tail and ready to give you love like no other. He may have been forced to listen to me as I blubbered like a basket case about some guy or laid with me as I felt like the gum under a shoe after a late night, but he always sat there and listened. The best proof of this was three months ago when I chose to leave my job, a job that was just so wrong in so many ways. I literally was coming home every day for five months frustrated, irritated and not happy with the way that my life was going, taking it out on anyone in my path, except for Toby. I would come into a house that held so much hostility because I was so unhappy, yet Toby would be there just taking it all away. I am a firm believer in God, faith and everything happens for a reason, the day I had prayed about the decision I had to make, I knew that God had given me this choice for a reason. After I quit my position, I had a lot of free time on my hands (too much time), trying to figure out my life and what was the next way to go, I always had him by myself to deal with the changes of life. While a lot of that time he spent sleeping while I was applying for jobs or running away from me as I danced around to loud music, most of that time I enjoyed spending my days watching movies with him, while editing pictures and creating a blog (Again, I had entirely too much time on my hands). Someone close to me had given me what seemed like a billion movies to fill my time and I watched every single one of those movies with Toby by my side, most of them he watched too (Or at least he entertained me and looked in the direction of the TV). These days all tied together, but these were days that I would never have gotten to have with him unless I had left my position. It was like being reunited with my best friend after such a long time and we had become inseparable.

Spending this extra time with Toby made me see that he was growing old. While he looks old in most of the pictures I have, he had gotten white in the face at a very young age (I always told people he was as handsome as Richard Gere). Some of the things that he had enjoyed, like playing with his toy duck or running with his friends, he had given up or slowing down with. Toby enjoyed Sunday football and the tailgate food while watching the big game - chicken wings with ranch dressing, chips and sour cream and pretty much anything with cheese on it, but he chose to not eat as much as we were used to (Yes that sounds like a horrible diet for a dog, but at nine years old, Toby deserved to be happy with whatever he wanted). While I chose to joke that he was on a diet and pretend not to see it, it was last week when I saw that my "puppy" was not doing well. For whatever the reason, Toby was not a fan of being in my room for long periods of time (Shadow was never either and we could never figure out why). Normally I would sleep alone, but that night, Toby stayed with me and I would never kick him out, even if that meant me sleeping in the most uncomfortable position. He was sprawled out over the entire bed, stretching all night, punching me in the face a few times, but by the morning he couldn't get any closer to me, with his leg shaking uncontrollably. Throwing a blanket on him, I thought he was he was just cold and it quickly went away. It wasn't until I noticed the shaking everyday since. He also had this "cough" that sounded like a cat with a hair ball. I would catch him licking his fur a lot and I chose to blame the bad breath on this, hoping that time would just pass, but knew that something else was wrong with my big guy. 

Within days I was crying to my family that Toby was unsteady on his feet and he had barely eaten at all that day. I begged my family to take him to the vet, because something had to be seriously wrong. They knew something was wrong too, but that didn't want to know what it was. I knew that it could be bad news, but had faith that their was something we could be doing. The next day, my family and I had spent the day at the vet learning that Toby had lost twenty pounds in the matter of weeks and that his kidneys were failing. It was like literally being smacked in the face with reality and a horrible dream. The bad breath was due to the toxins building up in his system, anorexia and depression all symptoms of chronic kidney failure, on top of the fact that tremors (his leg shaking) were a side effect. We were willing to do anything to help him through this and to fix whatever was happening, but as the doctor had put it, "If he was a human, he would be in the hospital right now on dialysis, waiting for a kidney transplant." All that we had left to do was try to keep him hydrated, try to keep food in him and try to keep him comfortable, because we might only have days left. 

Dad had tried dying Toby's fur for a more "young look"

Devastated that my family was losing a major staple to our life, I stopped everything that I was doing to spend every moment with him. I could handle him being sick, I knew he was. I could handle pills, food, meds or whatever I had to do to keep him healthy, I have done it before. It was the moment the doctor said that their was nothing we could do and that he could only have days that I was lost, broken, confused. The petty things that I have been worried about the past month no longer mattered, the annoying things my family did didn't bother me as much, stressing over this guy that I love who takes days to respond to a text was not my concern at the moment, Toby was. It was in that moment that I had realized God had given me the choice to leave my job and the ability to have so much time off for a reason; It was so that I could reconnect with my best friend and spent this extra time with him before Shadow gets to see him in that big dog park in the sky. The only time that I was not with him in the past four days was to go to work and even that was painful to not be around him for. We have had our bad moments, where have I spent two hours under a Christmas tree holding him as he was shaking (He never like the Christmas tree, but that was where he was most comfortable), to our good moments where he wags his tail like nothing was wrong and kissing away my tears thinking I am the crazy one for crying. All I know is that every moment that I get with Toby now is a blessing and that everything truly happens for a reason.

Toby loved going on trips anywhere we would take him

For those of you that have read this and think I may be a lonely, single "dog lady" that had nothing better to do with her day than write a blog for sympathy - I warned you in the beginning this was for pet lovers and clearly you are not lucky enough to be a pet lover (You also forgot the fact that I love all animals). To my friends that have checked on me every day to make sure I am stable - Thank you for checking in on me and knowing how hard this is for me. I am okay for the moment (Clearly enough that I have chosen to write this and not pick up the Jack Daniel's bottle). To anyone who works at the veterinarian office or at an animal shelters - Thank you for all that you do. I honestly don't know how you do what you do and appreciate all of the hard work that you do. And to all those pet lovers out there and to anyone who has ever lost an animal that has been close to you - I am sorry. I feel your pain so much and it is beyond me how we can ever love someone so much. I hope that you can appreciate the love for my dogs and can understand why I have written what I have for him.

Toby's last trip to Outer Banks

I don't know where this week will take us. I don't know how much longer Toby will keep fighting. I don't know which days will be good days and which days will be bad, but I know that it is one more day that I am lucky to spend with my best friend.. And today has been a great day.

New Year - Time To Start Breaking Bad Habits!

Happy New Year! With this new year, why not start off with breaking bad relationship habits? Don't act like you do not have them, because everyone has something that they do with the opposite sex that they would like to change. So you drunk texted your ex, again, to tell him how much he should be missing you, while he is with the girl that he cheated on you with (Nice job). Maybe you met a guy and slept with him after knowing him for two hours, thinking that he could be the one and haven't heard from your dream man since (Good try). How about another blind date gone wrong because you spent an hour and a half discussing how Harry Potter is the most brilliant piece of literature ever written (I have not done this - Stop thinking it - Just an example!). Whether you just do not want to make the effort to do so or you do not realize that you have these habits until you are looking back on it, there is something in everyone's life that they would like to change, it is just about making the effort to do it.  

If you really want to better yourself this year, you have to take a deep look at yourself and what you really want to see change. Example: You do not like the fact that you date the worst men, so you decide that you will pick better men to date this year. By deciding that, you can not just simply say that and be done with it. You have to look at where you have found these men and the type of men that you have dated in the past. If you have picked up every single guy that you have dated at the bar, time to raise your standards. If you have always been into the "bad boy", time to change your pattern. Bad habits in dating are cycles that we tend to keep repeating, not knowing anything different until we put it all together and realize that we have been doing these same things in all of our relationships.

Sometimes it is as simple as looking at the behavior that you are doing and think, "Do I really need to do this to get by?" While it may seem at the time that you do, you will end up regretting your action more than you will enjoy it. You repeat this bad behavior over and over again and expect a different outcome from performing it, but that will not happen. A perfect example of this would be texting while you have been drinking. Nine chances out of ten, it is a bad decision. Not only does it give off a bad impression, but if you picked up a "bad boy" they are falling in love with the sight of you in their bed that they will be seeing later and you can kiss a "normal" relationship goodbye. These habits will not get you any farther in a relationship and if they do, they are going to land you in the wrong relationship. It is time to move on from these bad habits, so you can find or perfect a relationship that can be great.

Bad habits have been something that have been on my mind for the past couple weeks. Whenever something bad has happened to me, I would want to see him. Whenever something good has happened, I would want to tell him. Whenever I was watching a movie he had given me or a show we had talked about, I would want to know his opinion. Whenever I was sad, I would want him to be the one to make me happy. So now that we are not "together" and I have told him that I can not be his friend right now, I have found these habits creeping up and annoying like an itch you can't scratch. I hadn't realized that I had done it until I looked back on text messages recently between my ex and myself, with every conversation being times where I had something big going on and needed him. Always running to him for relief had become a creature of habit and I was truly missing my friend.

So this week I broke an extreme habit; I broke it off with my ex once and for all by giving his things back. It was not his choice at all by avoiding it the past month to come get his things and making excuses every time we discussed it. This was a major excuse to keep trying to talk to him and we both knew it, making it extremely difficult to give up, but it was more difficult looking at his things in my bedroom everyday and having that constant reminder of him not being around. I had written a letter that I put with his things that I dropped off at his house, explaining why I was doing the things that I was doing and that I needed to do this for me for this new year. In return I have heard nothing. In the back of my mind I expected to hear nothing, but there is a part of me that will always be optimistic for him and the good guy that I know he can be. I have not tried to contact him since that day. Even though I want to lash out at him in every way possible for not contacting me, whether to be mad that I did what I did or at least to tell me he received the things, I have stuck to my guns and when the time is right, if ever, I hope that we will have that conversation that we need to. Until then I will keep forcing myself to stay strong and know that this is for the best. I wish that I can say that it is going to be easy for me to break this habit of not wanting to talk to him and know that everything is okay with him, but at least I know that I am starting the new year off right. If it is meant to be, it will be, but for right now, breaking this habit is the best stepping stone for me.




Repeat Song Of The Week:

"Restless Dream" - Jack's Mannequin. "It's funny how the words we never say can turn into the only thoughts we know". Not a lot of people have heard of this band, but they are my absolute favorite not only for the music itself, but the lyrics in their songs and this is the perfect example. The lead singer, Andrew McMahon is a genius when it comes to the music he writes and the heart that he puts into it. A break up is like a "restless dream", it seems like this never ending process that just keeps bringing thoughts back to everything that you want to forget and move on from.


Repeat Movie Of The Month:

One of my favorite books/movies - He's Just Not That Into You - Jennifer Aniston, Ben Affleck, Bradley Cooper, Justin Long and several other great actors/actresses. If you can't find a character to relate to, then you may be asexual or a nun, because they really touch on every possible relationship that can be out there. While it is a funny, romantic comedy, it also touches on things in relationships that you might not even realize that you are doing and can help you look at things differently.