Monday, December 30, 2013

When Dates Go Bad..


Dating is a very awkward life situation. If someone tells you that they "love dating", they are straight out lying to your face. Having to go out to dinner with someone that you just met and putting them through an interview process, making sure that they are not a serial killer or drug dealer is bad enough, but then you are trying to remain calm and not get food all over yourself, making sure there is no tan line from where a wedding ring should be, investigating that he hasn't been on Maury for DNA testing of his ten children to ten different women, making sure that he doesn't have some weird foot fetish, debating if he is going to make you pay or go Dutch, all while wondering if this guy could be the next big thing in your life or you should just give up and get dessert.

While you will have some good dates in your life and meet some nice men, not all will be the best dates with these amazing men that you will want to spend the rest of your life with. Some will make you want to question whether becoming a nun and giving up on the male species once and for all can be a good thing or moving into a family where arranged marriages is an option. We have all had those moments. While those are very good life options to some people, for most that is not the best answer. Sometimes, just like with life in general, you have to pick yourself back up and laugh it off. Laughing off a bad experience is easier said than done, but once you do it and get used to using that method, you will learn that life gets a little easier. So you found out that he an unhealthy obsession with watching Sister Wives or that he enjoys dressing up like characters from Dungeons and Dragons on the weekends. Can you imagine yourself marrying him? Definitely not. Can you imagine the hilarious story that you will have this weekend when you go out with your girlfriends and the way that they will feel better because they are not alone in the disaster dating world? Yes! I know it is hard to keep putting yourself out there and it may feel like a waste of time, but eventually it will happen. There is 6 billion people in the world, so it may take some time to weed through the ones that aren't right for you. Just keep focused on that one person who is out there and right for you, because you know when you do find him or her, it will be worth it.

Example: It was our second date and we were still in that nervous/getting to know you kind of stage. He had invited me over for dinner, which I thought was a little too forward for the second date, but still stuck to it, knowing that if I turned him down I would regret it. I have literally been forcing myself to go out on dates since the break up, because I know that mentally it is good for me (Better than me just sitting in the house watching The Walking Dead reruns or seeing the same drunks that hit on me every weekend at the bar). After getting to his house, playing with his dog, watching a movie, enjoying a dinner cooked by a guy (something that hasn't ever happened to me before) and spending time with this new guy, I was beginning to think that I was on to something good. I had been so burned in the past, but this is the way that relationships were supposed to go and what I had been missing out on. While I did notice he was on his phone quite a bit, I was on mine just as much, texting my friends about the experience that I was having. There was an odd moment in the night where someone had come to the door and he had disappeared outside for a good bit of time. I didn't look outside or question who it was, I just kind of took the "oddness" into account and waited for him to explain. When he came back in, he had said that it was odd that his "friend of a friend" had shown up; That "friend of a friend" had texted him earlier in the day to tell him that he was in town and said nothing more. Kind of odd occurrence, but my life has odd moments as well, so I let it pass. As he continued with his phone, he proceeded to apologize and tell me the "friend of a friend" was coming back to the house to hang out. Now a normal guy would have said, sorry but I have a date here and we can hang tomorrow, but no, this guy said it was okay to come back. I played it cool and said that was fine, but then the kicker comes in. He did this awkward dance of pacing around the room, "When are we hanging out next?", "Will you be out for New Years, we can meet up!" and "You are leaving right?" Not only did he prefer to hang out with his "friend of a friend", he preferred I was not there. Whiplash set in and I felt like the odd man out in the twilight zone. "I hope you don't mind.." was the last thing I remember him saying, because mentally I was screaming, "I hope you don't mind when I never call you back again."

Maybe your situation was very similar to mine or maybe it was something much worse, in either case, you pick up and you move on. You laugh it off and write about it. You enjoy the stories you have later with your friends and family about how much of an idiot a guy can be. No way was I going to go home and cry over this date that had gone terribly wrong or dwell over what I may have done wrong, I went out. I had a drink with my friends and enjoyed their reactions to what had just happened. Laughing it off as he had put in the effort to get me out there, make me dinner, do everything to win a girl over, until that moment when it blew up in his face. Some girls would actually be okay with it or actually believe that his "friend of a friend" was a man coming over to watch football. Some girls will actually answer the phone when he calls to try to make plans or to meet up on New Years, but not this girl. I have come to that point in my life where I am tired of running after this childish behaviors and frankly, while everyone is insisting that we keep getting older and need to settle down soon, I am too young to settle for something like that. I thought maybe because he was four years older than me, had his own house, a teacher, had his stuff somewhat together, that he would be a better choice. NOPE. Boys will be boys and what we need ladies is a man. A man that will not be on his phone the entire time and pay some attention to you. A man that will cook you dinner and then actually want to spend time with you afterwards. A man that when friends call, will say that he is with you and maybe another night. A man that actually acts like a man is what you need ladies, so don't settle for anything less.

When a date goes wrong, pick yourself up and move on to the next one. As they say, "Never run after a bus or a man.. There will always be another one."


Repeat Song of the Week:

"Irreplaceable" - BeyoncĂ©. Very fitting song for the week considering the circumstances. Never think that you have to depend on a boy and that they are the only one that you can find. Everyday is a new chance to find someone new, someone good, someone that is right for you. It doesn't mean that you have to settle for anyone or anything that isn't right for you or that isn't going to make you happy.

Monday, December 23, 2013

It's Not About Society, It's About You.



"Who defines the way life is supposed to look anyway? You're accepting society's/someone else's aspirations when you think your life should look like anyone else's. The penalty of a unique path is that you have to avoid comparisons."

When you graduate high school, you are supposed to go to college. After college you are supposed to find a full-time, high paying job. After you get the job, you are supposed to fall in love. You get the ring, the house, work on having kids and living a fulfilling life full of vacations, holidays and building memories. That is how we are "supposed" to live our life right? That is how society portrays the way that life is "supposed" to be with movies, books, television, music. Even a thirty second television commercial can give you all the details that you are "supposed" to do, but what if you haven't reached those goals? What if you haven't found the job, the love, the happiness you are "supposed" to have in your life? The real question is, why do we feel like we have to live up to these standards and compare our lives to these every single day?

It is difficult when you are in a position that you don't want to be in, but that doesn't mean that you have to live up to societies standards of what you are "supposed" to do. Whether it be single and not being able to find someone, working part-time and looking for full-time or something as simple as looking for happiness and not being able to find it, being in position that you can not find a way doesn't mean that you should be settling on living a particular way of life just because you think that is the way you are supposed to live it. You can't just sit back and wait for life to happen, hoping that you will get a sign. You can't just stop living and hope that everything will fall into place, that everything will just work. The first thing you have to do is be happy with yourself. You can not make these changes to your life without being able to be happy with the person that you are. As soon as you start to feel the happiness within yourself, things start to fall into place. Simply feeling happy is what you need to survive in this world.

The words at the beginning of this blog I took from a dear friend this week that was giving me guidance and helping me to stay in the right direction. I have never taken the "easy" path in life. I never have wanted to work the normal 9-5 job, get married and have a family in the order that we are "supposed" to, but now that I have reached that age in my life where everyone in my life is getting married, having kids and have full-time jobs, I start to question the way that I live my life. I had the full-time job, I had the guy, I settled on the life that I thought I was "supposed" to have, but after having it, I didn't want it. That was not the life for me, so what did I do? I changed it. Within the last two months, I quit my full-time job, quit my guy and made changes to my life that I needed to start making to make myself happy. By no means am I saying that everyone needs to make the drastic changes that I have made to make yourself happy or that this path has been easy by any means, but no one needs to settle on a way of life that you have seen in a movie. You do not have to live to the standards that everyone expects of you, but make your own path. You have to make yourself happy and do what is right for you.

Like Lucille Ball once said, "Love yourself first and everything else will fall in line.."



Repeat Song of the Week:

"Last Goodbye" - Kesha. For the longest time I resisted Kesha's music, thinking that she was another club artist and just making music because she can. I recently started watching her television show and saw that she writes all of her music, so I listened to her music a little closer. Reading her lyrics to this song, changed my opinion of her completely. Even if you don't listen to the lyrics of this song, just check out the lyrics and you will see a good song.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Creeper Alert.



 
 
Whenever you become newly single, does it seem that you become a magnet for every "odd-ball" out there? From the boy that you didn't know in high school that now finds you "beautiful", to the guy that you think is going to change every time you go months without talking, but is still the same jerk he was before. Even the complete stranger in the grocery store that doesn't look like he has showered for a week, but would love to take you out for chicken nuggets or a beer at 1 o'clock in the afternoon. It is like you have a big sign on your forehead that says, "Newly single and looking for love. Will accept ANY applications", yet you want to promote your own sign with a big finger.
 
So what is a single girl supposed to do with a creeper? Freshly single, depressing over the one guy that you do want that doesn't want you versus all of this "unique" guys that would love to get to get to know you in one way or another, it seems like an endless battle of thinking that there is not a single, normal guy out there for you. When it comes down to it, you just have to be optimistic. You have to be patient. You have to breathe. And sometimes you just have to sit back and enjoy the funny creeper stories over drinks with friends and push on to the next one. If anything, take it as a compliment. A very odd, slightly ego boosting compliment. Yes, you might have a creeper on your hands, but he took time out of his day to say something nice about you. While you could be having a jerk on your hands saying something rude, you just had something semi nice happen to you. Just smile and use that for later when you are having a low moment. Do not take advantage of that creeper either and PLEASE do not settle on that creeper, thinking that is all that is left in the world. You might be single for a while, but there is no need to settle on this "odd-ball" because you do not think that there is nothing better out there. There is something good, you just have to be patient and wait for it.
 
My experience with creepers have never been the "best" experiences, but I always do seem to have the best creeper stories or attract the most interesting sets of men. In the recent weeks since becoming single, it is like every "odd-ball" who has seen my "single status" has decided that they would make the best match for me. Today alone I had two "creeper moments". First creeper story: As I was running across the street into a store, I had a man yell out of his car at me, "Damn baby you look good!" While I said out loud to the lady that was standing next the store, "Did that really just happen?" and had a giggle moment with her, I proceeded on with my day like it was nothing, until that man walked into the store that I was in (Mind you, it was Bath & Body Works, not very likely a man is going to be shopping there for no reason). He browsed around, left, then came back in when he saw I wasn't leaving too quick. While I was checking out he got in line behind me and was standing entirely too close. The woman asked for my phone number, told her no thank you and wouldn't you know creeper said, "Aw that is a shame, how about you give that number to me instead?!" I laughed and bolted out of that store. Typical creeper who probably didn't even realize he was being extremely creepy, but enough for me to be on edge and avoid that creepy man the rest of the time while I was shopping. Second creeper story: While in Walmart (Of course) I was walking down an aisle when a man who had no idea where he was, what he was doing, probably hadn't ever heard of a bath in his life, didn't realize I was trying to walk past him. I tried to scoot around him and he turned, almost crashing into me with all his bathing products (Shocking). I apologized and he proceeded to say, "Oh sweetie don't apologize, I should say I am sorry I didn't turn around sooner to run into the Luck of the Irish! That would have been my luckiest day in the world!" At that point I couldn't hold back laughing and neither could the others in the aisle with us. Clearly the man was nothing to worry about, but it was an odd and funny ego boost for the day. Sometimes that is what you have to do: Laugh it off and know that something better will be coming soon.
 
Just remember, be patient and wait for what you deserve.
 
 
Repeat Song of the Week:
 
"Slow Me Down" - Sara Evans. I have always been a fan of songs that have a strong female behind it and with lyrics that hit close to home. This song is motivational when it comes to feeling strong and knowing that you hold the power when it comes to you.
 
 

Monday, December 9, 2013

I Choose Me.




Life is a series of tests. Tests that will question your pride, tests that will question your motivation, tests that will question your strength and tests that will even question your faith. While life has this wonder way of being beautiful and so amazing, it also has a way of tearing you down and make you question everything. Life is a difficult process and will make you want to take the easy way out. It will try to break you down and make you want to give up. It will make you question your decisions and the life that you are choosing to lead. There is not a person on this Earth who has not questioned what they are doing with their life and if they are making the right decisions. Sometimes it is just about making it through one test at a time; Even the tests that you find in your relationship.

So what do you do when the test is questioning your strength and strong you can be to stand up for yourself in your relationship? The moment when you are given a choice, to take the easy way out and let him back in, settling for whatever he may give you or to stand up for what you deserve, even if that means leaving him behind, which one do you choose? You know that the answer looks clear and easy from an outsiders perspective, but you are the one in that relationship and questioning it. Maybe things will be different this time. Maybe I am strong enough to handle it. Maybe I can help make things better and that is why this test is in front of me. Why is my head and my heart taking two completely different sides.

As a very insightful woman once said on MTV's The Hills (I know such a reliable source), "Go with your gut, but use your head." - Lauren Conrad. Like a test that sits before you, you have to write it down in front of you and look at your choices. You have to realize you have choice. So many feel like they have no options, but every time you answer that phone when he calls you are making a choice. Every time you do something for him that you don't want to do, you made a choice. Every time you compromise who you are for something he "needs", you made your choice and that choice hasn't been for you. I am not saying that the entire relationship should be about you, but when you start to question what exactly you are doing in that relationship, why you are compromising yourself for him or why you are the only one hurting in the relationship, that is the moment that you need to take that test and make the results in your favor.

This week life threw me a major test and it has been a struggle. I didn't expect to hear from him, the weakness, but there was that question of what if he would text me? What would I say? What would he say? Could things be normal? Would he actually want to see me to try to work things out or was he truly just lonely on Thanksgiving? After spending a majority of my week in bed watching movies that he told me to watch, listening to music he had told me to listen to and feeling completely lost as to what direction I wanted this to go because I didn't hear from him, I decided that I had to make a choice. I could give in and try to be completely satisfied with what little he could provide to me in happiness and try to salvage our "friendship" instead of a relationship, or stand up for myself and walk away, completely cutting things off. That is exactly what I did. I had told him that I was available for him to come pick up his things and left it simple as that. Thrown for a loop, he was lost as to what was happening. Apparently he had been trying to contact me all week (I had not received his texts for whatever reason until that moment) and thought that I was just not responding to him. He thought that we were okay and for some reason thought I was okay with just being friends. I had told him once again as I did in the weeks before, I was not okay with the way that he treated me and that I could no longer be just his friend. Needless to say, he was not happy with me, trying to guilt me into sticking around and telling me that I was the selfish one, along with many other cruel things, making me feel like a horrible person. Yet I was the person that stuck around for four years as he played mind games with our relationship, manipulated a "friendship" that was so one-sided it is disgusting to think about and made me fall for this vision of him that has disappeared. If it makes you selfish for walking away from something like that so he can see what it feels like to lose someone that you relied on for so long and maybe find himself, in the process of you bettering yourself, then let me be the most selfish person right now. Life absolutely handed me a test and I give myself the highest grade I possibly can, because this week I choose me.



Repeat Song of the Week:

"Say Something" - A Great Big World. Definitely a good song if you are feeling down in the dumps. The bridge of the song is my favorite - "I will swallow my pride. You're the one that I love, and I am saying goodbye.."

Monday, December 2, 2013

Holidays are "Single" Killers.



Spending the holidays single is miserable experience. It is worse than miserable, it is just plain torture. People are in a chipper mood, filled with the excitement of decorating for the season, overjoyed to bake for friends and family, even so grateful that they give back to the community by donating their time at a shelter or collecting toys for children. And then there is you. Forced to revisit life decisions that has put you in the place of why you are single and enjoying a little too much eggnog in your feetie pajamas, while watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation over and over again, alone. Forced to think about the fact that you are creatively decorating a Christmas card for your dog, because honestly who else do you have to make a present for. Forced to spend time with your family that ask you questions like, "When will you find a decent guy?" "Why won't you date that cute boy from high school with the bad acne, at least he is rich?" "You know you aren't getting any younger, why don't you try out a dating website?" All while asking yourself, "Where is that unlimited supply of wine?"

What happens when the holidays make you take two steps back for him? You have pushed yourself forward so far, but in these weak moments, it can sometimes feel like you have lost all the power that you were beginning to regain. In moments like these, you have to look at how far you have come. You can not compromise the "thought" of what "could be" and how the holidays "should be" with him, verses what it is really like right now. Yes, he might have taken the big step to take you to meet his family and spend time with them over the big holiday. Yes, he may have gotten you something very nice and something you would have loved. Yes, he may have told you he loved you and kissed you under the mistletoe. The real question is, what would have happened after the holidays were all said and done? The same exact thing that happened before the holidays; It would have ended. At least before the holidays you get to save some money on presents you would have bought and the extra booze it would take for you to feel better that you broke up after you had given him all the presents that you had spent a fortune on. If it was meant to be it would be, but right now it is broken. You can not let it keep damaging you and taking you back to where you were before.

What if you hear from him? Majority of the time if you do hear from him, he is just as lonely as you are. It still doesn't change what you two are. It was Thanksgiving when I heard from my weakness. Trust me, it was not easy. First reaction, throw my phone at a wall and drive over to his house to scream in his face. Reality, blast music as loud as I could and text a friend about what had just happened. It had been two weeks since he had tried to contact me and we had ended it. It was Thanksgiving and now of all days you decide it is good enough to spend some time on someone other than himself. I was no longer thankful to hear from him, but I found myself in a venerable place where I felt I had to text him back. It was the holiday and I didn't want to look like a bitter person by not saying a word. He started having a conversation with me like nothing had happened between us and suggested that we should meet in person to discuss things soon, I tried to drag it on longer than it should because I thought maybe he would see he missed me, but then I was the one left in the dust the past couple days hearing nothing from him as always. It took me a few days, a trip to New York City and some friends to rationalize my senses that I didn't lose my edge by talking to him. I shouldn't feel embarrassed as I did for compromising and letting myself talk to him more than I should have. I didn't hand over my gumption and say that I am the same person that will buckle like I did before. Yes, I shouldn't have answered my phone when I did, but it was just a test. The holidays will test you and moments like this will test you, but life is one giant test. You have to keep pressing on and moving forward in order to get your gumption back and to stay strong.


Repeat Song of the Week:

"Wrecking Ball" - Miley Cyrus. I know right now what you are thinking. "Are you actually suggesting that I listen to a Miley Cyrus song?!" Don't listen to it if you don't want to, that is fine. All I am saying is read through the lyrics. It is impressive how much you can relate to the girl just with a song; Plus it is motivational to rock out to it in the mirror with a hairbrush.


Repeat Movie of the Month:

The Holiday - Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jack Black and Jude Law.

Kate Winslet is the absolute best in this movie! Kate's character, Iris, and my relationship are very similar in oh so many ways, which just adds to the reason why she is a perfect character to emulate. It is motivational to watch the way that "Iris" overcomes her breakup with "Jasper" and regains her gumption; It is something that every woman needs to see, single or taken. It is a very motivational and powerful moment where everything clicks and she realizes that she can stand on her own.