I Choose Me.

Life is a series of tests. Tests that will question your pride, tests that will question your motivation, tests that will question your strength and tests that will even question your faith. While life has this wonder way of being beautiful and so amazing, it also has a way of tearing you down and make you question everything. Life is a difficult process and will make you want to take the easy way out. It will try to break you down and make you want to give up. It will make you question your decisions and the life that you are choosing to lead. There is not a person on this Earth who has not questioned what they are doing with their life and if they are making the right decisions. Sometimes it is just about making it through one test at a time; Even the tests that you find in your relationship.

So what do you do when the test is questioning your strength and strong you can be to stand up for yourself in your relationship? The moment when you are given a choice, to take the easy way out and let him back in, settling for whatever he may give you or to stand up for what you deserve, even if that means leaving him behind, which one do you choose? You know that the answer looks clear and easy from an outsiders perspective, but you are the one in that relationship and questioning it. Maybe things will be different this time. Maybe I am strong enough to handle it. Maybe I can help make things better and that is why this test is in front of me. Why is my head and my heart taking two completely different sides.

As a very insightful woman once said on MTV's The Hills (I know such a reliable source), "Go with your gut, but use your head." - Lauren Conrad. Like a test that sits before you, you have to write it down in front of you and look at your choices. You have to realize you have choice. So many feel like they have no options, but every time you answer that phone when he calls you are making a choice. Every time you do something for him that you don't want to do, you made a choice. Every time you compromise who you are for something he "needs", you made your choice and that choice hasn't been for you. I am not saying that the entire relationship should be about you, but when you start to question what exactly you are doing in that relationship, why you are compromising yourself for him or why you are the only one hurting in the relationship, that is the moment that you need to take that test and make the results in your favor.

This week life threw me a major test and it has been a struggle. I didn't expect to hear from him, the weakness, but there was that question of what if he would text me? What would I say? What would he say? Could things be normal? Would he actually want to see me to try to work things out or was he truly just lonely on Thanksgiving? After spending a majority of my week in bed watching movies that he told me to watch, listening to music he had told me to listen to and feeling completely lost as to what direction I wanted this to go because I didn't hear from him, I decided that I had to make a choice. I could give in and try to be completely satisfied with what little he could provide to me in happiness and try to salvage our "friendship" instead of a relationship, or stand up for myself and walk away, completely cutting things off. That is exactly what I did. I had told him that I was available for him to come pick up his things and left it simple as that. Thrown for a loop, he was lost as to what was happening. Apparently he had been trying to contact me all week (I had not received his texts for whatever reason until that moment) and thought that I was just not responding to him. He thought that we were okay and for some reason thought I was okay with just being friends. I had told him once again as I did in the weeks before, I was not okay with the way that he treated me and that I could no longer be just his friend. Needless to say, he was not happy with me, trying to guilt me into sticking around and telling me that I was the selfish one, along with many other cruel things, making me feel like a horrible person. Yet I was the person that stuck around for four years as he played mind games with our relationship, manipulated a "friendship" that was so one-sided it is disgusting to think about and made me fall for this vision of him that has disappeared. If it makes you selfish for walking away from something like that so he can see what it feels like to lose someone that you relied on for so long and maybe find himself, in the process of you bettering yourself, then let me be the most selfish person right now. Life absolutely handed me a test and I give myself the highest grade I possibly can, because this week I choose me.



Repeat Song of the Week:

"Say Something" - A Great Big World. Definitely a good song if you are feeling down in the dumps. The bridge of the song is my favorite - "I will swallow my pride. You're the one that I love, and I am saying goodbye.."